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words "Suicide Prevention". I remember holding my hand up in front of him and saying, "stop – what are you doing? My son is dead; I don’t want to hear about suicide prevention". My dad looked me in the eyes and said, "No, there are some things that you need to know." He told me that every year in the United States we lose at least 31,000 people to suicide – that’s one person every 17 minutes. In Kentucky, we lose nearly twice as many people to suicide as we lose to homicide and AIDS put together. It’s the 2^nd leading cause of death for our 15 to 34 year olds. And 90% of those who take their lives had a diagnosable mental disorder at the times of their deaths.

The next few days are a little bit of a blur. Funeral and burial preparations were made. The funeral service was packed with young people, many of them basketball players or volleyball players or some sort of athlete. One by one, his friends and teammates got up to speak. Several spoke about how Nathan had helped them through their own crisis. One young man, Nathan’s roommate Patrick Sparks, talked about how Nathan was the nicest guy he had ever met. With these comments, I struggled to understand the undiagnosed and untreated depression that had cost me my son. As a mother who was feeling that she had utterly failed as a parent, these words from his friends brought some small comfort, that despite his death, maybe, just maybe, I might have done something right.

As the last young person walked away from the microphone, I felt God urging me to deliver an important message. I walked to the microphone, standing beside my son’s casket in front of the very altar where he was baptized as an infant. I talked about what it was like to be a mother and have to pick out a coffin, and a cemetery plot for your child. I told them about the funeral home saying, "we need $11,000 before you can have a service or bury your child. Then I told every young person in that room, there is nothing in the world that you can do, that your parents can’t forgive you for. And I said there is absolutely nothing you can do that is too big that God couldn’t forgive you for. I told them that it is a sign of strength to ask for help and reminded them to reach out to each other when there is hurt or pain.

Months later, close friends would tell me what they saw that day at the funeral. They said that most of the day, I looked totally broken, frail, on the verge of collapsing. But as I walked up to the front of the church and addressed the crowd, my friends told me they saw a physical transformation, as if a spirit of strength had filled my body so that I could deliver His message.

One day, I received a call from one of Nathan’s friends. "Did you hear about Greg’s brother?’ Greg was another one of Nathan’s old friends, and I was a little frightened of what I would hear next. It turned out that the day after Greg and his brother attended the funeral, the younger brother came up to his older sibling and handed him a box. Inside the box were two bullets. "I guess I won’t be needing these anymore" he told his brother, and checked himself into a hospital for treatment.

How are we, as Christians, called to change our world, to make this world a more Christ-centered, just, and loving community? You see, changing our world involves three fields of ministry 1) self, 2) others, and 3) society. See the acronym "S…O…S"? Micah Chapter 6 verse 8 provides insight into what is required of each of us. This verse tells us that we are called to "do what’s right, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God"…self, others, and society.

Two weeks after Nathan died, I headed to Frankfort to join the efforts of the Kentucky Suicide Prevention Group. I couldn’t always remember to brush my teeth or wash my hair, but I threw myself feverishly into suicide prevention activities. Three weeks after he died, we were able to generate media coverage in our state about suicide awareness. 40 days after his death, my husband and I, along with other members of our group, were in Washington DC talking to all of our US Senators and Representatives about the issue.

I recognized from the beginning that the burden of losing a child was far too heavy for me to handle myself. While I still didn’t understand why God allowed my son to die, I knew that it was only through God’s strength that I would survive. To help us understand the grief process better, my husband and I began seeing a Christian counselor. Remember that first field of ministry – self? Before we can begin to change our world, we must make a plan for anchoring ourselves spiritually, for "walking humbly with our God".

But as the initial shock of Nathan’s death wore off, and the realities of the loss set in, I began to pull up anchor. Thanksgiving, Christmas came and went and basketball season was in full swing (which to this day is still a torturous time for me). My husband and I were fighting, as grieving families often do. I had been sick for about six weeks and wouldn’t go the doctor, and I dropped out of counseling. In other words, I stopped walking humbly with God, and tried to take the burden entirely onto my own fragile shoulders. In my heart, I knew that God wanted me to become a whole and healthy person again some day, and that He had long ago forgiven me of my sins. But through the vulnerability of my grief, I could hear Satan constantly whisper "good parents don’t lose their children". Just as Regina warned us yesterday, Satan will use our guilt and shame to try to turn us away from God’s Grace, if we let him. I remember driving home one very difficult night in deep emotional anguish. As the lights of a car approached, I heard a voice say "drive into those lights". The car passed and another car approached "there, you have another chance," said the voice. Dazed and shaken, I drove into my driveway a short time later. It would be months before I admitted to my family what had happened that night. But I think God allowed me to have that experience to learn important lessons. First, I began to understand that during a suicidal crisis, it’s like a person has blinders on, and in their anguish, they may not be able to feel all the love that surrounds them, only their pain. And second, I humbly learned that if I was going to make the world a more Christ-centered, just and loving community, I had to stay centered in God’s strength, not my own.

When we try to change the world without being firmly rooted spiritually, we fall into traps. We could become…

1. The Pharisee – driven by rigid perfectionism and guided by legalism instead or being motivated by God’s grace. The Pharisee’s mission is perverted into forcing everyone into one’s own mold.
2. The do-gooder – motivated by their own need to be needed or to make a difference instead of true compassion and commitment to meet human needs. They often run from project to project without waiting for God’s direction, like the circus clown trying to keep all the plates spinning until they all come crashing down around her.
3. The "savior complex" – without a sense of God’s providence, caring people may feel they must save the world themselves.
4. And "burned out" – our fire for the mission burns out when we don’t have a vital relationship with God and other Christians. You can’t change the world if you are running on empty.

The strength of Jesus’ ministry came from this relationship with God and close friends (his disciples). We read over and over again from the bible how Jesus would spend time in deep prayer and sharing with his disciples between times of intense ministry.

The second field of ministry is others – friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, perhaps people we don’t know well, but see everyday. How we act towards them can either open or close relationships as channels of grace. Prayer for others is an act of love and can help change them in their walk with God. Through friendship you can share yourself and your relationship with Christ. Remember – make a friend, be a friend, introduce your friend to Christ. Be real in sharing your faith. And as that friend begins to grow in Christ, support their changes with opportunities for spiritual support, growth and service.

As my mission and ministry grew, I was reminded that Christian service begins in our own home, with our own families. The contacts that I had made enabled me to help my step-daughter Kirsten to finally get correctly diagnosed for bipolar disorder (which runs in her family) and begin treatment. She often credits this with saving her life. There is no known cure for this disorder and it is a very difficult road that she must travel. My relationship with Kirsten allows me to constantly remind her that God loves her just as she is and that the God who is there for her in the good times, will be there for her in the bad times. And last year during the second anniversary of Nathan’s death, my daughter Shanna reminded me none too gently that while I was spending time trying to change our world, that she too still needed her mother. We are certainly not called to become stumbling blocks in our own families.

The third field of ministry is your social environment – your community and your world. We influence others in our society, groups, organizations and our work places by how we participate as Christians. Remember, we are called to "do what’s right, to do justice" as well as "love mercy and walk humbly with God".

First, we must identify areas of need. Jesus gives us some examples in Matthew Chapter 25 verses 31-40 when he said "…For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison and you visited me." Jesus assures us that when we show compassion and Christian love for our brothers and sisters in this world that we show compassion to Him.

As Christians, we must address human need and suffering and influence groups, organizations and businesses of which we are a part with these Christian values. You see, the child with no home may feel that God must not love him. The woman with no food may feel that she isn’t worthy of God’s love. The clinically depressed man may feel that God is punishing him with his pain. As Christians, we can plant seeds of hope in peoples’ lives when we help remove these obstacles to developing a closer walk with God.

It takes both works of mercy and justice to truly change our world. Mercy is food baskets to needy families at Christmas. Justice is determining why these people are hungry and addressing the factors that have caused the need. To love mercy without acting justly is like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound – it falls short of changing our world. And of course, through it all, we are called to be a joyful witness to Christ in all that we do so that everyone can see the source of our strength.

Since the death of my son, I know that I have grown stronger through Christ. As I seek to bring change in my community, my state, my country, I know I must stay grounded in Him through prayer and petition, study and action and relationships with other Christian disciples. What are your plans to stay anchored with Him?

And how are you called to be Christ in your community? Where do you see human need and suffering? In your self? In your own home? In your workplace, school or volunteer organization? Somewhere across the country or around the world? As disciples, we aren’t called to be successful, only to be faithful. As First Corinthians Chapter 3 verses 5-9 tells us, some will plant, some will water, and some will harvest. What will be your plan? It begins with one small step. What can you do now that will make a difference?

DeColores.

Jan Ulrich

You can email me at   Jan@IAmGloryBound.com